Becoming Your Own

Life will always have its ups and downs, but the downs with a person you care most for are always the worst. When your heart goes from happy to sad in two seconds, when the fear that was never there sets in, when the conversations you had are at risk of being lost, when the chance of seeing and holding that person is taken away, when what you thought was "it" becomes a question... These are the downs that hurt the worst, but are usually the fastest to move on from, if and when things turn out for the good. I realize that every relationship has issues. I have had my share for sure. I was practically engaged to a guy and thought I would be spending the rest of my life with him when it all fell apart. But crazy enough, I did not hurt as much as I thought I would. I guess it may have helped that I was the one walking away and not being hurt. In all of my relationships, I have been the one walking away, and hadn't felt the direct hurt of being walked away from. I got a little taste of it and its enough to kill someone. Sometimes we meet people that are incredibly different than us, our families, our friends...people that we have not even thought about becoming like, because we have never seen or have been surrounded with their ways and thoughts. But when we do meet them, we are taken in by them because our minds (curiosity) carries us into a realm of wanting to know the "unknown". We tend to want to learn how to be more like them. Example, when you are a person that is sensitive to issues in life, heart matters, and destruction, and you meet a person that faces life with more of a "reality" aspect, and lets issues roll off their shoulders and is always content because they dont let the stresses of life get to them...you tend to want to know how and why it is, and how they can act in that on a daily basis. I believe that every person needs someone "not like them" to help balance out in life. Truth is, most of us are direct products of our families, and however they are "emotionally" is how we become. Some though, are lucky enough to actually find their own, before they are to old. But those of us that do not have that opportunity, it isn't at fault of one person, your family, friends, etc...but when you see an opportunity to learn different ways of thinking, being open to it can sometimes be a challenge.  I am currently having to learn to be open minded more towards a "different" way of thinking than I have had my whole life. In relationships, I have always been this person who was very kind hearted, almost to the point that I was walked over a lot, the person that always "did for", the more sensitive one, sometimes more quite when situations were not comfortable, and most always the first to say "sorry" even if I didn't do anything wrong. I do not like tight or uncomfortable situations. I can't stand it when there is no peace. But, its not always "healthy" to be like that. People get used to you letting them treat you a certain way, and that will only open doors to your heart always being broken, your emotional stability to be shaken, and the weights on you to never be lifted. You should not be the only one to feel pain. Now, please do not get my wrong, I am not saying just start lashing out at people! There are ways to let someone know how you really feel in a good way, that will also get your point across, but will also leave both of you in a "healthy" relationship situation. I have learned a lot from my current situation...and those things play in the back of my mind. But knowing them and acting on them are two very different things. I am struggling to "show" that I have learned new ways of dealing with issues, because for almost 22 years, it has been the same way. But I am also becoming my own person, not just someone who is a product of her parents. However, It is learning and taking on the role in life of what I will accept, perform like, tolerate, cherish, value, my own and new moral thoughts, how I live and work...etc. It is okay for me to be a little different. But there again, knowing and doing are different. Just like "faith without works is no good"..."knowing and not doing are no good".

I realize that this whole post has been kinda all over the place...but I am saying this because sometimes in relationships you may be with that person that is the total opposite of you. It is not always easy either. You each have to learn to "deal" with each others way of thinking and processing information in life. They will not always be able to agree or even understand. But, it is okay to be like this. In the end, if the relationship is supposed to go forward, you will learn to embrace, understand, and take in the way each of you handles life situations including your own relationship.

Important things...always listen, always make it a point to cherish each other, be there for each other, put your relationship before other "friendships or relationships". When you fight, make up quickly, don't let it sit and stir up more emotion. Be open and honest, sometimes, for those like myself, listening to the "brutally" honest words can really hurt, but be open about them and dont take them so hard to heart, like I have apparently done in the past. Live, laugh, love, and enjoy life together... Laughter, touches, hugs...are all good medicines to making it better. Never forget the things that brought the two of you together. Before letting something go, examine your deep feelings, not just the feelings that have come to you over night because of a particular situation or hurt. When your partner is ready to talk...be there. Even when its uncomfortable....

A strong love can make it through anything...remember your love through all circumstances.

Life In the Slow Lane....Is this real?

So, life is kinda at a stall at the moment. Sucks really. I wanna go somewhere, be somebody, learn new things, accomplish some stuff, have adventure...whatever else a young woman with a lot of free time on her hands wants to do. So where to begin?

Well, lets see. What oppturnities have presented themselves....
I have several trips planned for the end of the year. If all goes well I will be in Oklahoma the last week of October through the first week of November. Then a weekend in New Orleans for a wedding, then in December off to Haiti with Rachel to see her married off! I am really excited about that trip. I got my dress in from Davids Bridal and it is beautiful. All of the brides maids dresses look good. I am throwing Rach a shower this Saturday, a little nervous about it, but I think we will have a lot of fun none the less.

Now that I have rambled on a little bit, lets go into why I am going to Oklahoma...
Basically, to find myself. Ha. I am at a peak time in my life and not really working at the moment so I am going to use this time to decide my future to the best that I can. So many things have been going through my head and so many sleepless nights have kept me in the "thinking" mode. Stress will most certainly wear you down. Uhhhhhh sometimes I just wanna scream! I know all of you have had these times in your life, and I am almost certain that some of you have had much worse times and what not.

I am having to relearn the value of deep prayer. For so long I have not prayed the way I should have been, its a teachable moment that I am in at the present time. I am 21 years old, almost 22, and this life is hard! Gesh! I have always considered myself to have a level and spirtual head, yes I have made some crazy choices in my life but who doesnt.

I am currently reading "Heaven is for Real"...and through the stories of a little boy, I am starting to realize just how much work I need to do. God calls us to have "child like faith"...what does that really mean? This book explains it well. He also goes into that noone without the child like faith will enter the kingdom. Then I thought...humm, I want an out of body experience, I want that spiritual experience that I can come back and talk about. I am almost jealous of this little boy. Crazy. Yes, I know. But I have been told I am crazy so who cares. Haha. But, I think it is okay to be a little jealous of such things. Who wouldnt want to see Jesus and see his "makers" as this little boy calls the scars on this hands and feet. Who wouldn't want to see the purple sash, his beautiful eyes, and the gold halo the boy describes....I wanna see that. I gotta get there. We all gotta get there. This little boy went to a funeral with his parents and asked his dad if the man who had died knew Jesus, and when his dad coudnt give him a direct answer, this 4 year old boy got upset and begin to yell "Daddy if he didnt know Jesus he cant get to heaven!!" to the point where they had to take him home. It made me smile at the moment but then I begin to think..."no we should all be this way! This is how we should react on a daily basis, even if its "called out" and embarrasing sometimes" As that thought raced in my mind... chills went down my spine. How many of us will really make the cut? Crazy question I know. Gods grace is in abundance...but where and does it stop? Silly question?...maybe. I dont really know.

Something to chew on...

Tired and I still have to finish this book... I think I will write when I finish it on complete thoughts about it.

Night~